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Daddyís large belly protruded past the rest of us,
sometimes it gurgled
if it sensed the presence of an
In Ní Out Burger close by.

It would shake a little
when he laughed.
It would rise and fall
when he slept.
It would demand much room,
when he drove motherís car.

It came to be that I was convinced
his heart was in that belly,
that it was big simply because
he needed more space.

His Death Certificate reads
H e a r t  A t t a c k -
and a small part of me still wonders
why didnít his belly collapse?
Why couldnít his stomach
have attacked him instead?
Not his loving heart -
not his love that everyone envied, admired,
that beat so loudly
as though it were a Chinese gong.

I look in the mirror now
and wonder if my heart too,
is lower than it should be.
It took me a week to get this one done. I wanted to write something from the view of a little child, but keep it with my own mindset. That doesn't make to much sense to me either...but I really like the way this turned out.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2004-11-09
in the words of the suggestor (slightly edited): Daddy's belly by ~StarkNaked is one of those rare, crystal-clear gems in a world of cynical abstraction. The simplicity of the imagery is misleading, for beneath the fragile presentation lies an ocean. It is one of the most rending elegies I've read. ( Suggested by breathheld and Featured by Astrophel )
:iconthe-photographicpoet:
the-photographicpoet Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Hey there,

Your beautiful art work has been featured in this news article

:love:
Reply
:iconadobemaster:
adobemaster Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2008
you show a lot of originality, and presence throughout the poem

I'm not one to speak, but your twist at the end is kind of cliche' and weak

Overall a fantastic poem though, very good work.
Reply
:iconoceaneyes9:
oceaneyes9 Featured By Owner May 20, 2007
wow , this is really amazing . i think i read it about 10 times - and it's simple yet so powerful. it really makes me miss my dad .thanks for writing it .
Reply
:iconmonatorgersen:
monatorgersen Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2007  Student Digital Artist
I don't think I appreciate poetry as much as I should be, but this poem here really got to me. I just had to fav it=P
Reply
:iconelnefous:
elnefous Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2006
I love this poem and it reminds me so much of my father. Very humourous and touching.
Reply
:iconudrite:
udrite Featured By Owner May 14, 2006
My mom tells me, every time I fell sick, I would keep my head on my father's belly. My father's pot-bellied too. This made me cry so much. I can't say more than that. I can't imagine the difficulty you must've gone through writing this.
Reply
:iconabstract-goddess:
abstract-goddess Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005
The switch between child and full grown up is a little confusing. Obviously, you switch because children do not know what a "Chinese gong" is. They may know of it, but not well enough to know it's name or spell it correctly.

Although, I do love In n' Out, so you get points for that.
Reply
:icondragonsonata:
DragonSonata Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2005
I don't even want to critique... I enjoyed every part, excellent metaphors.
Reply
:iconmusicobsessed:
musicobsessed Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2005
Incredible. I feel themes of death and emotional loss and tenderness.
Reply
:iconlaughing-pain:
laughing-pain Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2004
Quite poignant; it would feel like an elegy, if it were not for the touch of whimsical tenor.

One small thing, however. As I read, some commas, particularly in the first, second and third stanzas, disrupted the flow somewhat. They would best be removed, in my opinion.

Other than this, the poem is well done; heartrending and thoughtful. Congrats on the DD.
Reply
:iconpsychonyxdorotheos:
psychonyxdorotheos Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2004  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very well said :)

Mixture of drama and imagination... Nice!

Keep it up!
Reply
:iconsnowtigercub:
SnowTigerCub Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2004
Very... very well done... ;____; Its simply amazing.
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:iconforbiddenevil:
ForbiddenEvil Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2004  Hobbyist Photographer
Very sad and very beautiful!
Reply
:iconmeis:
meis Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2004   Writer
Wow. Awesome poem. One of the greatest I have read in a long time.
Reply
:iconblackwinter17:
Blackwinter17 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Traditional Artist
wow. that almost made me cry. its beautiful. very expressive. you did a fantastic job of capturing an important and mature emotional idea in a childlike, more innocent "shell."
Reply
:iconselladohr:
selladohr Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
:hug: What a sad, wonderfully written poem. Great job! :)
Reply
:iconbananasontoast:
bananasontoast Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Hobbyist Photographer
Wow, such an awesome peice, congrats on getting the daily deviation! :+fav:
Reply
:iconkchan:
kchan Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
It's so simple and clear, like good handwriting in black ink.
Reply
:icontwistedkitsune:
twistedkitsune Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Hobbyist General Artist
I cried...and I think the tears ran away with all of my constructive critisism :+fav:
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:iconnatyismyhero:
natyismyhero Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
i see what peopl re saying about the whole chinese gong thing, but i would have to say. as a child, i would have compared it to something simple tha I knew about, such as a gong. maybe the word chinese is too much... i don't know....
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:iconvive028:
vive028 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
oh wow... saw the deviation on the side of my screen and just had to click on it. so wondeful. it makes me want to cry its so good. you captured the essence of human nature perfectly. bravo! :clap: +favlove
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:iconforeverunloved:
foreverunloved Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
I enjoyed this poem a lot, although my own father has not passes away, I still remember somethings similar to what this poem implies. It was awkward with some of the wording, but the awkardness sort of added to the childlike view in a way. This is an amazing memory, and I believe almost everyone can relate. I know I can. I'm putting it in my faves.
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:iconjustkatie:
justkatie Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
What a moving and amazing piece. There is so little written work on DA that I can read... as my husband says, the ratio of signal to noise is too low. But this is just amazing. Thank you for sharing your emotions so clearly. It's gorgeous and really touches the reader. Well done.
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:iconegpnoodlez:
egpNoodlez Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
A beautiful piece, it is very moving and well structured. I don't have much to offer to you critically because personally I love this piece just the way it is. I think you've done a great job establishing the flow of the text, and the metaphors are nicely used. :+fav:
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:iconkinjouten:
KinjouTen Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
Holy crow that brought tears to my eyes. *bows in respect*
Reply
:icongarradam:
GarradAM Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
Congrats on the 'daily deviation.'
You deserve it... this is a wonderful, although sad, piece.
Reply
:iconsaraikristi:
saraikristi Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Writer
oh! *tear* beautifully done.
Reply
:iconprojectspam:
ProjectSpam Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Hobbyist General Artist
Brilliant. Touching.
Reply
:iconvaneral:
vaneral Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Hobbyist General Artist
First off, congrat on the DD! :D

All I can truly say is that this is a wonderful poem. It made me cry. ;_; But I love it anyway! I think you did the perspective admirably. The Chinese Gong bit does seem a tad off but it makes sense when I think about it. Many times, a kid will say just what they think. The gong gives this, I guess you could say, a bit of flavor. Nice.

The only thing that does bother me is the comma in "...It would demand much room,
when he drove motherís car..." I don't think it should be there grammar-wise. If it was "When he drove mother's car, it would demand much room," it would work. ^^ But then, am I a english teacher? Noooo, so just ignore me. ^.~

I can't help but fav this. It compells me. O___O
Reply
:iconkharmalina:
Kharmalina Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
groovy poem. congrats on the DD, it's the first poem i've seen as such, which is a shame, because there are some really great poems on here. people should pay more attention to the poetry! some of us are better with words than we are with colors and f-stops!
i enjoy the "young" feel of the wording, though i see i'm not the only one who's got beef with the "chinese gong" bit. it just seems so out of place, against the flow. i don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. but it is your vision, your creation, and i'm only here to look on in amazement! :) good job.
Reply
:iconphoenixrose32:
PhoenixRose32 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
absolutely amazing! it brings tears to my eyes....especially the line "why couldnt his stomach attacked him?" heartbreaking and beautiful all in the same poem..... perfection!
Reply
:icondarksoulfairy666:
darksoulfairy666 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Writer
i think it is a very touching poem dear u have a beautiful way with words and u have a talent in which no one will ever take it away from you
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:iconpoisonedrose3:
poisonedrose3 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Photographer
Aww... Such a heartbreaking story!
Reply
:iconkatin:
Katin Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Writer
I like this! :) It kind of reminds me of my dad, except he hasn't died yet. BUT NONE-THE-LESS, it was an awesome poem! :nod:
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:iconmwilsonian:
Mwilsonian Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Student
AMAZING
Reply
:iconmeretrix-simiorum:
Meretrix-Simiorum Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Writer
Congrats on the DD! :)

This poem is amazing...I love the speaker's naÔve tone and the overall sadness. :+fav:
Reply
:icontenchigirl15:
tenchigirl15 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
:wow: that is sooooo true!! :O_o: great job!! :clap:
Reply
:iconmisaniovent:
Misaniovent Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
:hmm:

It'd be hard not to fave something packed with so much raw emotion, seen from a child's point of view.
Reply
:iconillixim:
illixim Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful.

I don't know how I can make this compliment stick out from the rest, as I cannot find another way to describe this, or something else that fits.

Simply beautiful.
Reply
:iconunderoblivion:
underObLiVioN Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
wow..thats an amazing piece..well worth the time you put into it:)
Reply
:iconhalfling:
Halfling Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Photographer
Ohh, it's so innocent and sweet. The last line just makes you want to cry, it's so sweet.
Reply
:iconmorbidsanctuary:
morbidsanctuary Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
Wow, congratulations on the daily deviation, first of all! I'm really happy to finally see somebody's writing to be featured greatly! This is such an amazing piece. Absolute fav +. I love all the symbolism you made in this piece. It's so nicely done and pieced together. How the heart represented how big his belly is. And you did a nice job trying to do this from a child's point of view. It seems mature, but at the same time it shows how the child doesn't understand much of the world. Wonderful writing and keep it up!
Reply
:iconpeace-love-happiness:
peace-love-happiness Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
Wow. This really hits you at the end...I wish every father could be as wonderful. A gorgeously simple and real tribute.
Reply
:iconsteelvenom:
SteelVenom Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
Poetry on the DD always makes me smile :D
Kudos to you!!! You deserved it!! Your voice really shines through....and you do it without rhyme or anything-something Im trying to learn how to do.

The Chinese gong was a little wierd, but other then that I thought your descriptions were dead on. I think Ill be reading some more of you now....in the meantime why not return the favor? Check out my poetry-it may not be worthy of a DD but I take pride in it....why not read one of my personal favorites? Im always trying to push my poetry, along with other poetry, to give the written word side of DA a chance against the much more popular visual appeal.

The Rain What can I say? I love rain, and I just felt like writing with it taking center stage in a metaphor
This Shattered Soul Probably the best of my dark poetry-tho its really not that dark
This is the strangest poem Ive ever wrote, but I think its beat and rhyme carry it through to be one of my best poems
Reply
:iconskitzoinsanity:
skitzoinsanity Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
You don't know me, but his describes my dad also. I think it's beautifully done. And in some weird way it helps me. ^.^
Reply
:iconpachunka:
Pachunka Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004  Hobbyist Artist
I find this spectacular. You know why; you wrote it.

On criticism- I'd say the line-breaks and punctuation make the first few stanzas a bit tricky to read on the first reading of it-- it's hard to tell what's a run-on line and what isn't at first. I'd run with a small indentation in run-on lines, but that's just my style talking. Perhaps the odd semicolon, the odd 'and' might clean up that area as well.

Nevertheless I've enjoyed reading this massively.

Yon ending...
Reply
:iconpluggedinbaby:
pluggedinbaby Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
Firstly, congrats on the Daily Deviation. =]
I really like it, it's touching. I like the child-like naivety, it really enhances the emotion.
Nice structure. I like how you built up a character in the father in so few lines - it's as if the readers knows this figure.
But some of the lexis seems a little advanced for the child (at least at what age I imagine) - I'm not sure whether it would be changed or not though... it kind of contributes to the structure.

Again, beautiful piece, and congrats.
Reply
:iconxiooua:
xiooua Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
Reminds me of my own father, he passed a few years ago. Lovely sense of nostalgia from the view of something small and innocent. I enjoyed this, a much deserved DD.
Reply
:iconmouselady:
mouselady Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004
This poem put tears in my eyes, I swear! This is one example of the fine art of angst---this poem RULES!!! :worship:
Reply
:icong33k-ch1k:
g33k-ch1k Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2004   Writer
This is wonderful and i think you achieved what you set out to do :)

I just struggled with this :

that beat so loudly
as though it were a Chinese gong.


Now, ~breathheld will nod because he knows i dislike the use of similes in poetry (i think poets should show not tell) and though this is purely personal preference, the comparison here just seems off (for me) and out of sync with the rest of the words.

Just something for you to ponder and just my reader's thoughts :)
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